The other day, on my day off, I took out my Italian cook book and made a cake. It was an Italian Chocolate Espresso cake topped off with chocolate covered coffee beans. Delicious. Honestly, best cake ever. (I’ll post the recipe tomorrow..you NEED it in your life)
Do you ever have those times when nothing seems to satisfy you? You have an incredible sense of loneliness and you don’t know why? Your heart feels so empty; it just wants to rip open, to shatter into a million pieces, but it can’t and so it just sits in agony. You want to be around people but people just let you down…you want to talk to someone but they don’t understand…you want to hear words that will comfort you and tell you what you should do, but words are just as empty as your heart is. The sun’s out, but you see darkness, the birds are singing but you hear an eerie silence. You smile, but it’s just a fake, you laugh but it’s comes out a cry, in one last attempt at something, you breath…you just breathe…but the breath you take hurts. You desire something but you don’t know what. You don’t know anything because you can’t really feel much. You’re scared and alone…C.S.Lewis said,
“I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy; the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.”
Could that be it? It’s hard to see the ending of the storm when everything is dark. There’s never going to be a rainbow. It’s hard to try to figure out why God would make us go through this…I wonder if He’s just reminding us that we aren’t of this world. We WERE created for Heaven, created to live with God forever. These feelings are miserable and so painful…but maybe, just maybe tomorrow we can wake up feeling so alive and then just realize how amazing our God really is! Maybe we’ll be able to see the sun shining and feel its warmth; hear the birds singing and sing a song of our own, smile, laugh and truly be joyful…and breath and feel more alive then we ever have.
<3
and being silly.
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 3:13-14
I love that God gives us a new start. I love that God lets us forget the mistakes we’ve made and forget where we went wrong; He just lets us start over. It’s incredible how He lets us strain toward the future and press on to the goal. The past is the past with God. The future is what matters. I love…love…love my God.
my friend told me that rule 32 is to enjoy the little things (for me it’s more like…rule 5 
but it’s a rule never the less) I strongly think that people need to enjoy the little things in life in order to be happy with life.
So…here’s to being happy and my happy list 
1. Walking on fresh snow that has never been walked on before
2. Warming up next to a fireplace
3. Hot Chocolate after being outside
4. The bubbly feeling I get after going on an adventure
5. Looking at maps
6. The excitement that comes from receiving a letter in the mailbox
7. Reading Psalms
8. Making plans for the summer
9. Oreo cookie and milk picnics on the kitchen floor with my brothers
10. When my grandma texts me.
I am reading the book, One hundred Years of Solitude. 
but I’m not sure if I like it…it’s a metaphor of Latin American life. It’s so sad and depressing. I am only half way through the book, but so far it is a very sad story. Have you read it? What did you think? Hmmm….
This week I love:
• Poetry
• Reading the book of James
• Grande 4 pump nonfat Carmel Macchiatos
• Minneapolis at night
• Intercultural communications
• Learning about other cultures
• Receiving packages in the mail
• 4 year olds who point at me, smile, and yell out, “mommy! That’s my teacher Jo Jo! She’s my favorite teacher”
• Re-connecting with old friends
• People with wisdom
• Waking up early and having coffee chats with my mom
This week I really dislike:
• My sisters being gone
• Pumping gas in cold weather
• When my windshield wiper fluid runs out
• Swearing
• Being at school for 12 hours.
• Having a very early class and not having my morning coffee and breakfast with my mom
Last night I grabbed 3 friends, piled them in my car, and the 4 of us headed down to minneapolis for an adventure. it was to be an adventure filled with poetry. we were headed to a poetry slam. now, I was incredibly excited, I had never been to a REAL slam before and I love minneapolis, friends, and poetry, so I thought, “why not!”
Well, this little adventure proved to be more than just us going to a fun little pub to listen to poetry. it was…interesting.
Now to start off, I’m not afraid to show my faith, I’m not afraid to let people know I’m a christian. I’ve always told myself I would stand up for my faith and for my Jesus. I will. I do. I always will. But, until last night, I’ve never had someone BASH and SLAM my faith to my face. I’ve never had anyone, face to face, slam my faith.
That happen, last night. I wasn’t offended, just not prepared. I can’t get offended at a gay atheist for reading poetry that just happens to be a poetry slam slamming me. I was taken aback that someone would stand up in a public place and say the words, “to all the Christians who believe in God, are for same sex marriage, and haters of the gays, we’ll throw you in the den of lions.”
WHOA. I wasn’t offended. at all. because you see, it just….hurt. As a christian, I’m a lover. I love. I want to love the way God loves. the way God loves me. I’m a sinner. I’m the lowest of the low. I’ve done a lot of wrong things. I have. and I know I have. But, God, in his grace, still loves me. He loves me uncontrollably and immensely. I want to love people that way. open. 100%. unconditional. It made my heart sink to hear someone yell out in front of me that he thinks Christians hate….
hate.
hate.
hate.
I HATE that word. hate breeds horrible things. I never want to hate a person; a human created in God’s likeness. I am a lover. God created me to love in broken places, pouring my love out again and again until He calls me home.
I wish this man, this gay atheist man reading poetry, knew that I was a Christian. That I was listening to his poetry. And that me, and my God, love.
love.
love.
love him.
So dear Mr. poetry reader,
I am a Christian. But I don’t hate you. I couldn’t hate you. I do believe in God, I am for same sex marriage, but I don’t hate gay people. I don’t hate you. I’ll maybe come back to your slam, even if you slam me. But, please know…I love.
I WANT TO TRANSFER STARBUCKS!!!
My heart is broken. It hurts. It longs. It is passionate.
I think God is breaking my heart for African babies. I think he’s stirring up a passion in my soul for orphans in Africa who need to feel loved. I just want to go hold them, help them, feed them, spend time with them, love them with everything. I want to show them God’s love and show them what love is. It amazes me that there are people in this world who don’t even know what love is. To them, it’s just a word; a simple word with no meaning. I want to show them a small definition of the word love.
I feel a passion. A call.
If God puts a call and passion in your heart…you should follow, right? Dreaming is good, but I think it comes to a point where you need to stop dreaming, and start acting on that dream…
This is what breaks mine…..
I will be in China.
I will be teaching English and helping out at an orphanage with special needs children.
I’m learning to trust God in a brand new way. I’ve always said I trust him with my life, but when it comes down to it, I’ve trusted him because I knew where he was leading me. I knew what direction my journey was headed. It’s easy to follow and trust someone when it’s all sunshine and butterflies, happy times and blue skies. But, the truth comes out when the sunshine disappears and the skies turn cloudy; when the butterflies vaporize into fog and you can’t see through it. It’s when you can’t see through the fog, when you can’t see where you’re headed, when the truth comes out. The truth of God asking, “do you really trust me? Do you really trust me to mold and form your life? Do you really believe that what you’re going through is for a purpose and that the trials you face are for perseverance?” God says that trials create perseverance, and perseverance, hope..and hope never, ever disappoints. So right now, I’m walking through that fog blindfolded. I can’t see where I’m headed. It’s hard to trust someone when you can’t see the hope at the end of the trail. But I do trust God….right? Because to not trust, would be to doubt. And I don’t doubt God. Even through the fog the hope shines through. The ray of hope doesn’t seem to be shining down yet. But, some time somewhere, that ray of light, that beautiful ray of hope will penetrate the fog and I’ll be walking in sunshine, butterflies, blue skies and happy times once again. But until then…I’ll learn to trust in this new way…I’ll try to trust 100%. I’ll try…
